and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
