I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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