Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
