i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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