i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
