Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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