After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
