So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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