So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
