I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
