he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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