I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
