you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
