Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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