Where are you?
In a non slutty way
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
