My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
smell my finger.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Sorry about my life...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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