Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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