found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
