Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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