I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
