Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
