Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize