I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
