i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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