i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize