1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
