my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
