i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
