Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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