i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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