At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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