She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
