I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
