We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
