paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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