Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
