my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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