In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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