No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
