I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize