Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
