I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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