He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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