I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
