I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Green mimosas i think yes
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
