i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
