The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
