I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
