I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize