Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
