i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
