He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
