walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
