I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
