i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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