you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
