Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
