You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
