I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
