Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
